This week’s episode immediately opens with a familiar backdrop: It’s the Murder House from season one. The Countess heads to the house in the 1920’s to visit abortionist Charles Montgomery, whom audience members will remember had particular hobbies including performing abortions and then ripping the dead baby apart for organs to study and such. The Countess says that she’s only three weeks pregnant, and from the size of her stomach it’s obvious that there’s a crazy vamp baby inside of her. Considering this means that Countess herself is already a vampire, how did she get pregnant in the first place?! I’ll be annoyed if we never find out.
Montgomery performs the surgery, and tells the nurse to dispose of the fetus. The nurse looks horrified: “I think it’s still alive,” she says. Yep, it was, but considering it’s a weird ugly looking vamp baby, it went crazy and killed the nurse because why not. We learn that the baby lives in Room 33 at the Hotel Cortez. Considering it was born in the 20s and is now still only a baby, there’s also the mystery of why Bartholomew (yes, that’s its name) hasn’t experienced any growth yet.
Babies aside, a love story has been quietly growing in the Hotel under everyone’s noses: Liz Taylor and Tristan have fallen in love. It’s a surprising and refreshing scene from two fantastic actors, as Tristan ponders the fact that Liz thinks he’s smart enough to read classic literature, and Liz breaks down because Tristan finally sees her for the woman she is. The issue I have with this relationship is that it was seemingly thrown together, with no foreshadowing or interactions between the pair before. But I’ve given up trying to understand Ryan Murphy’s reasoning for things. It’s a once in a lifetime love, but considering Tristan belongs to the Countess and doesn’t like to share, I’m not sure it will end so well.Her control over Tristan is evident when she calls him up to her room to ‘fluff’ up Will Drake for her. I have no idea where this random romance sprung from (apart from the fact that Countess just wants the hotel back from Drake), but considering Drake is still completely gay, it’s a weird match.
The happy couple head off to Paris, meaning it’s time to play for the revenge trio of Ramona, Donovan and Iris. Ramona and Iris are intent on killing the four little vamp children Countess made, including Holden. Donovan turns out to be a coward and doesn’t want to hurt the children, because he knows just how much it will hurt the Countess. “Go upstairs and smell her panties then,” sneers Ramona. Annnnd that’s exactly what he does. Oh Matt Bomer, you’ve sunk so low. Meanwhile, it turns out the vampire kids are nowhere to be found. This is because Alex had hidden/destroyed the coffins just hours earlier, in a bid to make John thinks he’s crazier than he already thinks he is. Which is a lot. He’s reaching peak cray levels, let’s be honest. There’s also been another Ten Commandments murder – ‘thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain’ – but with John gone the police have already got someone in custody. Heh, I bet they’re wrong.
Anywho the vamp kids aren’t there. Ramona’s hell bent on making the most of her time back at the Cortez so she decides on a new plan: she’s going to kill the Countess’ son in Room 33. Ramona makes her way in, and after tiptoeing about, she’s outsmarted by a baby who knocks her out and uses it as a chance to escape. Oops.
So whilst Donovan is upstairs he runs into the Swedish girls from the very first episode. Where they’ve been this whole time, we have no idea, but it turns out they’re pretty much ghosts in the hotel. This actually answers some questions for us, wondering why people like March are still in the hotel. Donovan tells the girls about a school teacher named Cara who committed suicide and found her ‘purpose’ by scaring and killing guests in the hotel. The girls need to find a purpose, otherwise they will continue to walk the halls in a monotonous fashion forever. It reminds us a bit of Murder House, and the way that people killed/murdered there were forever bound to the place.
They happen to find a guest who takes a liking to one of the girls, but after a fun five minutes of sex and murder, the girls are crying because they feel the cycle beginning again. Alex finds them and gives them some advice (I don’t know when she became an expert on all things at the Hotel Cortez considering she’s been there for like two days): you don’t have to kill people, you just have to mess with their heads. Then Alex becomes the worst person ever and tells the girls to go and mess with John’s head. We’ve already established he’s peak crazy, he doesn’t need that experience woman!
But John decides to start making out with young foreign girls with no questions asked. The threesome was basically added for shock value, with blood drenching the bodies of the three participants (I’m assuming it was the girls blood, but do ghosts bleed?). John runs to the foyer completely naked, covered in blood and unsure of why he’s there. That’s the last straw and he decides to go home – something he should’ve done a loooong time ago. Oh remember that Bartholomew is still roaming about? Yeah he jumps into John’s suitcase when he’s not looking, because John just has all the luck.
So John heads home with Scarlett. I’m glad this whole thing with Scarlett was adressed because let’s be honest, Alex and John are the worst parents everrrr. Scarlett says that she was waiting for Alex to come and pick her up from a friends house when she never turned up. She hasn’t called Scarlett for two days. I feel bad for John because his daughter is so afraid of him, but he really doesn’t make matters better when he’s holding a bloody shirt in front of her. Later that night, when Scarlett is innocently watching television, John senses someone in the house. Yep, it’s Bartholomew. John manages to shoot him, but in the process completely freaks Scarlett out (naturally), giving the baby time to run away and the cops to come and see how John’s lost his mind. Alex finds Bartholomew and takes him back to the Hotel. When Countess sees the door ajar she’s genuinely afraid, and we can tell that this is her one weak spot. Alex gives a mild summary of what happened; “You saved my son,” says a surprised Countess. “Just as you saved mine,” replies Alex, though I’m not entirely convinced she’s being sincere.
Oh, and remember how Liz and Tristan were in love? Seems as though they were destined to be star-crossed lovers. Old-time friends, Liz sits down with Countess and explains to her the love she has for Tristan. Liz and Countess both know Tristan is nothing to her, so Liz pleads for this one thing of her own. Countess decides they must speak with Tristan to come to a decision. After a decidedly hostile conversation, in which Countess made clear that she doesn’t like sharing, she decides that Liz can in fact have Tristan. Have his body, that is. Their 10 seconds of happiness were quite literally slashed when the Countess slashed Tristan’s throat, proving that everything must be as she wishes.
We’re about halfway through AHS:Hotel and I have to say I’m disappointed. Some of the best actors are being left with no storylines, and the storylines we do have are quite weak. What do you think of the season so far? Let me know in the comments.